I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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