I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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