I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just want to make out with him forever
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
