The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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