pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
