woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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