if only i could text you this smell
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I love you. Go after that dick
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
