The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
