I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
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she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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