And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
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I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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