I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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