It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
