the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
