it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
