i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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