And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
