lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
