Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
