I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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