All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
