yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
