I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
