Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just invented taco cereal.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
