wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
