I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
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Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
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I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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