So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
