It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting