Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
