omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
