she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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