I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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