Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
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I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
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I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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