Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
