bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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