I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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