I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
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I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
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Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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