I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
