somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Everyone says I win the strip club
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
