I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
