hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I need a burrito and a hug.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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