I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
