took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
