I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
