just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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