the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she woke up with a sticky ear
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
dude. I can hear the air.
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