checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
