The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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