omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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