I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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