Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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