Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I can't put those talents on a resume
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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