Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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