I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
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I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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