Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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