Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
