going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
