I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
