Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
